Grab Your Favorite Mug and Tea – We’re About to Dive Deep.
I want to start this with a disclaimer. I am not a professional in child-care or child psychology, nor do I consider myself to be a ‘good’ parent. What you are about to read is a compilation of what I have learnt over my almost five years of being a parent. If you are in need of assistance or immediate help in relation to parenting, please reach out to your local professional services. I will link some great services at the end of this post.
Now I’ll give you broad explanation of my situation, as it’s important to note that every situation and dynamic is different, and that my views here are completely subjective based on my own experience.
I’ve been a parent to a little boy for almost five years. Since he was four months old, it’s been a co-parenting dynamic between his Mother & I, and we are gradually progressing to equal care of our child. I work full-time, doing 100 hours a fortnight at a workplace where I am fortunate enough to have flexibility in when I can work and where I can have flexibility in my schedule. This has allowed me to build a stable routine as an active single parent. I currently have a few nights every second weekend, and a few nights during the week, meaning that I am actively involved in every aspect of my sons life, including schooling and extra-curricular activities.
It is important to note that this entry of The Integrated Masculine Man will only be exploring the relationship between parent & child. I will cover the co-parent relationship in a separate entry.
Soul-Curriculum?
Before we get into the nitty-gritty, I’d like to acknowledge the inspiration for this particular title.
A close friend of mine, in a similar situation, once (or twice) observed me completely defeated by several days of being barraged by questions from my child. She explained that by getting worn down by repetitive and constant questioning, my son was teaching me something. He was showing me my work, and if that’s to help me embody a greater virtue of patience, this is him giving me soul-curriculum to learn that lesson. He will keep giving it to me until I learn the lesson. So the question I needed to ask myself was, “Am I listening?“
This woman, although not as far along her parenting journey as I was, was leagues ahead of me in patience, kindness, integrity, and self-compassion through mentorship and self-work. Her ability to reframe the hardest experiences into a positive light, are unparalleled. I am thankful to all the lessons she imparted upon me.
Magic is real.
I’ve often used the explanation that parenting is like showing up on game day, giving it everything you’ve got, knowing no matter what you do, you’re going to lose, and then having to be okay with it. Yep- why would anyone hear that and still want to be a parent? But the truth is, behind all the challenges, there is real magic.
Seeing your child smile for the first time, hearing their first word (yes- Dadda!) or hearing them laugh for the first time. Your first real experience of unconditional love. The love shared between parent and child is unique and profound. The innocent wisdom that they constantly surprise you with, simplistic yet beautiful. Seeing your child grasp a new concept or skill that you have taught them is something that is fulfilling on a spiritual level.
The list goes on, but for me the most magical part of this was the moment I first held this boy in my hands. My switch flicked, and I suddenly had a true purpose and vision for the remainder of my life.
And so it begins.
A few men I know at work recently commenced leave as their partners gave birth to their first children. They took four and five weeks off, respectively. In some cases, such as when the mothers require a C-section, the father’s assistance is imperative. It’s important to note that both parents play crucial roles during this time, providing support and care for both the newborn and each other.
For first-time parents, the next few months might seem like a full-time job. The reality for most is that the first few months are the easiest. Yes, you will suffer broken sleep, but really that is as hard as it gets. Feed, sleep, change, repeat. You can entertain them as much as you like, but it is as simple as waving a colourful object around or letting them suck on a sensory chew toy. Of course, when you’re in the trenches of this period, you can’t fathom how it could get any more challenging than this.
As a child grows it goes through different stages of development, attachment & curiosity.
As you arrive to the blissful stage where they are almost mobile, but not quite- they get frustrated easily. Once they are crawling, you think that this is a whole other level, as you frantically try not to lose them, or for them to reach something they ought not be reaching for.
Then they take their first steps, and you couldn’t be prouder of this marvel that you co-created. You are not however, prepared for the new set of challenges unfolding in front of you. Another level of vigilance is required around safety as toddlers have no concept of danger yet. The constant supervision and physical demands at this age demand that you as a parent must develop as quickly as they do.
It never gets easier, it just gets different.
This brings us to the stage where my son identifies at now, a small child. By this stage, home education, professional education has given your child enough mental development to have conversations with you. This stage brings forth many funny, wholesome moments, as children have an unbridled sense of innocence about the world.
At age four, children ask on average 300 questions per day (file that one away for your next trivia night). Whether you might think that doesn’t sound like much, or it sounds like a lot- it’s less about the number, and more about the effect that amount of questions has on the average adult. The cognitive load that constant questioning has requires significant mental effort.
The repetition, especially if they aren’t satisfied with an answer, can sometimes make you feel stuck in a loop. Some questions are complex, or abstract, and are difficult to explain to children, putting you back in the aforementioned loop. The other part of this challenge is that whilst you are being mentally taxed, there is a significant emotional drain on you at the same time, because you want to encourage their learning & curiosity whilst at the same time doing your best to manage your own patience and frustration.
Despite all this, you know that your child asking these questions are a crucial part of their development. It helps them understand the world around them and develop critical thinking skills. If you are an adult that has found yourself in a situation where you needed to ask a question but don’t feel comfortable to ask, perhaps sit with this and question ‘why?’.
Perhaps the most perplexing part of this stage is the child’s curiosity about the world around them. Often, they will do things or put themselves in situations without any apparent reason. They might hurt themselves or end up in situations that cause distress for both the parent and the child. The important part is to remember to be compassionate, not just to them, but to yourself as well.
I don’t know what my next stages will bring, and there’s no preparing for it. But what is certain is that throughout the parenting journey, the need for adaptability and vigilance remains constant.
Boundaries are not punishments.
It’s important to note that sometimes boundaries can certainly appear as punishments. The reality is that boundaries are essential for healthy development, and that you are setting them out of love and care, not as a form of punishment.
This might be touching on my own childhood traumas, but establishing clear and consistent boundaries creates a predictable environment for children. Boundaries help them understand what is expected of them and what they can expect from others. This predictability provides a sense of security and stability, which is crucial for their emotional and psychological development.
In addition to the above, boundaries teach children self-discipline and self-control. They learn to manage their impulses and understand the consequences of their actions. This is an important skill that will benefit them throughout their lives.
Finally, boundaries help children develop respect for others. By understanding limits, they learn to respect the needs and rights of those around them. This fosters healthy relationships and social interactions. So knowing all this, you can understand why setting healthy boundaries at these young ages will set your children up for success as they journey through adolescence into adulthood.
Alright… so what can I do?
First of all, you can follow Eli Harwood on your preferred social platform. Eli is a licensed clinical therapist, published author and educator that specialises in helping people heal from relational traumas and develop secure attachment relationships with their children, partners and friends. I don’t speak for everyone, but most people my age would likely agree that a complete lack of education in this field has created a lot of attachment wounds and generational trauma from how our parents raised us.
Breaking the generational cycle of trauma starts with educating ourselves, and then taking the necessary steps to educate our future generations, starting with our own children. Eli Harwood is an absolute wealth of knowledge, and she is constantly sharing insights and educational content about attachments and relationships on her platforms.
Eli’s insight that I’d like to focus on in this section today is ‘4 Ways to Build a Secure Attachment with Your Kids.’ It goes a little like this:
- Listen Up – We want them to know they have a voice with us. Actively listen and validate your child’s feelings. Showing that their voice matters builds trust in communication.
- Make Up – Adults are the leaders on modelling repair. Demonstrating repair skills strengthens the bond and teaches resilience.
- Light Up when you greet them. Your enthusiasm and warmth help show them that they’re loved and valued.
- Show Up when they are tender or triumphant. Your support as a parent in these moments solidifies their trust and connection with you.
These four easy to remember steps will go a long way in not only building a securely attached relationship with your children, but also teaches them what a healthy and secure relationship looks like later in life. Talk about investing in their future, right?
Be gentle to yourself as well.
Parenting is a rewarding and challenging journey. For most, it’s likely to be the most challenging thing we do in our lives. Amidst the joy and love, there are moments of exhaustion, frustration, and self-doubt. It’s during these times that being compassionate to yourself is essential.
The truth is, parenting is often a 24/7 job with no breaks. You constantly strive for perfection, and this easily leads to stress and burnout. By being kind to yourself, you acknowledge that it’s okay to have bad days and that you are doing your best. This mindset can help reduce this stress and prevent burnout.
Being mindful, of course, that this mindset isn’t just something you can ‘switch on‘. It takes time, practice, patience, and compassion. There are times when some of my male friends visit us, and when they leave, my boy doesn’t want them to go, perhaps because they were more ‘fun’ than Dad. There are days when I put my son to bed and walk away feeling like I’m failing as a parent. But this is that self-doubt mentioned earlier. I then sit, reflect, and reframe:
“I’m not doing anything wrong, there are good days and bad days. As long as I can showing up with love, kindness and compassion, we will be okay”.
One thing I often hear from soon-to-be parents is “oh my child won’t be eating fast food or any of that junk, they will only be eating whole and nutritious foods“. Sometimes you make that healthy & nutritious meal for your child that makes you so proud, and makes you feel like the best parent in the world (even if they refuse to eat it!). And sometimes they’ll get a Happy Meal – because you have nothing left to give… and that is perfectly okay too.
From a very young age, the children learn from watching you as their parent. If you’re anxious, they’ll be anxious, if you’re frustrated, they’ll be frustrated. When you show self-compassion, you are teaching them the importance of self-care and love. They then learn that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that they should treat themselves with kindness too.
Show compassion to the other parent.
I think this statement truly applies to most situations. It doesn’t matter if you are together or not. If you find yourself in a circumstance where both parents are actively in the child’s life- then it is likely that if you are struggling, so are they. You can have different parenting styles, different tempers, varying levels of patience, but you are raising the same child.
One dynamic that is particularly common where I live is where one partner stays at home, and the other partner works away doing shift work (statistically, it’s the father who is working away) for a week or two at a time. Some men I have spoken to about this choose to work away not for the great remuneration that it provides for their family, but rather because it is a ‘break’ from having to parent 24/7.
In these dynamics, it’s crucial that the returning parent shows compassion to the parent that has not been away, taking the full load of mental and emotional needs required when parenting. Understanding the other parent’s needs, mutually respecting those needs, and maintaining a healthy emotional balance are all key pillars in supporting each other through this journey.
If you’re in a dynamic where you have shared care of your child, this point still applies. Yes, there is the side of it where when you find yourself without your child, you are somewhat free of responsibility. However, when you do have the child, you are the sole bearer of this weight, and that in itself can sometimes feel like an impossible mission.
Be kind to your co parent, if you are struggling with the current stage of development, it’s likely that they are too.
So would I do it all over again?
At the end of the day, parenting is definitely a journey filled with highs and lows, moments of joy, and times of challenge and hardship. It’s important to remember that you’re not along in this journey. Whether you are a single parent, co-parenting, or part of a traditional family structure, the principles of compassion, understanding, and patience remain universal.
Despite being in the trenches of some serious soul curriculum lately, I would undoubtedly do it again. My boy constantly tests me, but I recognise that is him teaching me, it’s uncomfortable because that is me growing as a human being. Growing as a parent. Being his father is one of the things I am most proud of in my life.
If you found this entry helpful, I encourage you to share it with others who might benefit from these insights. Remember, breaking the generational cycle of trauma starts with educating ourselves and then passing that knowledge to our children.
-TIMM
Some Handy Resources
For Australians:
1800RESPECT: This is a domestic, family, and sexual violence counselling, information, and support service. It is available 24/7. You can call 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732, or chat online via their website https://www.1800respect.org.au/
Lifeline: Offers crisis support and suicide prevention services. You can call 13 11 14 or text 0477 13 11 14 at night (6pm-midnight AEDT)
Kids Helpline: A free, 24/7 confidential counselling service for children and young people aged 5 to 25 years. You can call 1800 55 1800
Relationships Australia: A leading provider of relationship support services for individuals, families, and communities. They offer a wide range of services, including counselling, family dispute resolution (mediation), and various family and community support and education programs. To be connected to the nearest Relationships Australia service, call 1300 364 277
Rest of the world:
Global Parenting Initiative (GPI): Provides access to free, evidence-based parenting support to help parents worldwide globalparentinginitiative.org
Global Initiative to Support Parents (GISP): Offers a comprehensive knowledge hub with guidelines, toolkits, and resources for parent and caregiver support support-parents.org
Leave a comment